Friday, September 4, 2009


First off, this is very personal. I am sharing it. I just hope you don't mind reading it. :)

It's interesting, the way we think about different things in our lives, at different times of our lives. Today my mind is on my daughter, Miaya, and her possible siblings. :)

When Dustin and I were first married, we both wanted kids right away, and fully expected to have a kid right away. Two and a half years later we finally, finally got Miaya. It felt like forever. She was so worth the wait. People always say having a child changes everything, and it really does in so many ways. What an amazing miracle and blessing she is in our lives. I am really so grateful for her. I found something I was really good at too: being a Mom. An unexpected surprise for me. I was always awkward around kids before, even though kids have always seemed to like me.

I remember when she was almost one, Dustin and Miaya and I were sitting in stake conference, and I was amazed to realize I was ready for another child! I remember leaning over to Dustin in the middle of conference and telling him that. We both were sort of weepy. hahaha. We're such saps. Anyway, again, I was fully expecting another child anytime. :) Me and my plans. I grew up, and most of you know, the second oldest of seven kids. I loved it. I want a big family too. I totally expected to have my kids 2 years apart, give or take, just like most of my siblings were. And I wanted to be finished having all my kids by the time I was 30. I thought it was a good plan. It was.

I have learned many, many times that just because you plan things a certain way, it doesn't mean things will go as planned. At the end of February last year, I found out I was pregnant. We were so excited. And yet, for some reason, we were reluctant to share our news with anyone. We told each of our families, and were so excited for Miaya to be a big sister. Sadly, I ended up losing the baby. I remember thinking there must have been something I did wrong, there must have been more I could have done. I know now that's not the case. Heavenly Father knows what he's doing. I felt fine, I thought I was fine. I didn't want people to ask me about it. I didn't want people to pity me. I didn't want to be a topic of conversation. I am so grateful for wonderful family and friends.

It's odd, but there were several women whom I knew who all miscarried at the same time I did. I felt contagious. Weird, right? But anyway, I didn't really have too much trouble with any of if for a long time. But a few months later, I realized all was not well in me. I was depressed. Really, really depressed. Some days all I could do was make sure Miaya was fed and clean and clothed and taken care of. I still have days like that. It's hard. I have decided that even though you have worked through things, sometimes you might still cry about them. Right? On Sunday, I cried a lot. I was feeling sorry for myself a lot. I do that sometimes. :)

I am glad to have lived through this. I always thought before this happened that I couldn't live through a miscarriage. I thought it would kill me. Thank goodness for our guardian angels, the ones we can and can't see. I read this blog entry at c jane enjoy it and it reminded me again, as I am often reminded, how blessed I am. Miaya is so energetic, charismatic, so loving, beautiful, good, smart. She's constantly teaching me about life. About what it is to love, and live. I have no idea if Dustin and I will have anymore children. We sure hope so. If not, we are okay with that. We are just so blessed to even be able to have any children. :)

Thank goodness for Dustin. He is such a rock for me. I love that he has seen all the good in me, but also all the bad, and he loves me. He's my best friend, and I am glad for that. I am blessed. So very blessed.

My life hasn't gone as I planned for it to go. It has turned out marvelously, though, hasn't it? I found and married a sweet and funny and delicious man from West Valley City, Utah. Who knew that would happen? We've been married for, hmmm...let's see, about 6 and a half years! It sounds like such a long time, but it hasn't felt that long. Miaya will be three next week. We have Moose the dog. We have our little green and brown house, which I adore. I'm 26, I'm healthy, I have wonderful family and friends. We live in a ward that although is sometimes too much, we at least know they love and care for us.

Now that I have rambled on for too long, I am done.

1 comment:

Hera said...

Thanks for those wonderful words. I am priviledged to be your mother. Miaya is so much like you were at her age. The energy children have can be challenging. They give you lots to smile about and most of all the children give you so many wonderful memories.
Miaya is a jewel in our family.